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Meat the Sluts

Zoey Diddim

Queen Mother 10, 12 and 17/Director

Zoey's Book of Face

The Petite Pretty Love Goddess Diva to all Denver Cycle Sluts for Life! The Absolut Keeper of Cape Cods and Crabs.

Origin: Gottitgoode in France

Favorite Color: Crabgrass Green

Zoey Diddim was born to a loving couple, Andy Diddim and Betty Diddim, in the glamorous city of Gititonne, France. She was later sent off to be raised with a firm but compassionate hand by her guardian/manservant Juan De Steele in the family's summer villa on the shores of Lake Gottitgoode.

Zoey was educated in boarding schools in France and Greece where she excelled in International Relations finally graduating Magna Cum Loudly. After school, she moved to London where she was the sixth Spice Girl until kicked out because they felt Penicillin Spice was the wrong image for success.

Zoey then traveled the world and counts the Sistine Chapel as one of her favorite works of art. 'Nice view while on your back," she has been heard to say.

On a trip to America, Zoey settled down in Denver, Colorado and was quickly hired as a tester for the Colorado Mattress Union, Branch 69. Her desire to be loved while on stage (instead of in the back row) brought her to the famous Denver Cycle Sluts as the Glitter Girl of Global Goodwill. Because of her hard work and tireless devotion to lending a helping hand she was later given the title of The Petite Pretty Love Goddess Diva (and The Absolut

Keeper of Cape Cods and Crabs).

Kay Hausensues

Queen Mother 16

Kay's Book of Face

The foul mouthed fem-bot, the belly dancing beauty with no purpose, the misdirected mistress to all Denver Cycle Sluts for Life.

Kay was born in Germany, but don't ask her to speak any German. It brings back horrible memories. She was kicked out of Germany by her Great Great Great

Grandfather Hitler for being a synthesizer. She just only wanted to entertain with strong audio sounds made into music. 

Coming through New Orleans as her first stop she slept in the back room of a voodoo shop. She became very obsessed with the dead and skeletons. Not that she is into necrophilia or anything. But she loves to have a nice skeleton hand helping hold up the boobees. And a helping hand in her hair. The Voodoo shop she was living in got raided by the MIB and she was once again cast out on her own.

She ran from the flashy things they kept trying to use on her and ended up in Denver, CO. This is where she found the Cycle Sluts and her perfect way to make everyone smile from her fabulously obnoxious way of entertaining and help raise money for charities at the same time. 

Cookie Fortuna

Queen Mother 15

Mistress of the Mystic Unknown, Goddess of the Crystal Gaze, Gypsy Sister to all Denver Cycle Sluts for Life!

I was born in the wagon of a traveling show in Romania. My Momma used to dance for the money they'd throw. Papa would do whatever he could -- preach a little gospel or sell a couple bottles of "Dr. Good." Thus my life as a traveling gypsy began and was stolen to become a hit song for Cher.

Legal negotiations for royalty rights are still going on.

As a child Cookie had a broad education including many of the noble arts of divination. She became so inept at seeing through the crystal balls that she soon took a licking to them. The cards can tell much if only we know when to hold them or when to fold them. She can also divine, through the thickest of hair, the palms of the fortunate few who have found true love within themselves.

Because Cookie was so gifted in reading the future, the Family had a special wagon that would chauffeur her to her enlightenment classes. It was sound proof and heavily padded for the greatest comfort. Thus, it is Cookie's ethereal pleasure to pleasure those that seek the true truth and have the world revealed to them through her worldly gift of wordy goodness.

Since she was bestowed with the gift of the sight, Cookie clearly saw in her own future a chance to help others. She picked enough cash from the pockets of the men who came to see her that she was able to buy a ticket from her family to a new adventure.

Cookie landed in Denver and was guided by her spirits to a bar and to a group who would take her in, embrace her as family, and help her find my next calling.

So, Cookie Fortuna became a Denver Cycle Slut. 

Mae d'Misteak

Mae's Book of Face

The ukulele strumming songstress, First runner up for miss congeniality of space camp, the cat lady supreme, the sailor tongued, whoops a daisy girl to all Denver Cycle Sluts for life!

Mae d'Misteak was born a girly-girl in Crapo, Maryland on on a blustery day in November. She loved Barbie, so much that she saved her pennies to go to Barbie School to learn all the ways and many careers of her beloved hero. (That bitch really does have everything.) Mae nearly made it through her first year, when she and Barbie had a falling out over Mae's misinformed belief that orange could be the new pink. The misunderstanding resulted in a catastrophic brawl complete with hair pulling and kitty-punching in the alley behind the school. Fortunately, Ken and some students for the G.I. Joe Training Center located next door separated that two flailing divas from one another.

Disillusioned, Mae became a Barbie School drop-out. The Joe's were impressed with Mae's sweet karate chops and offered her a spot at their school. Mae flourished as a Joe where she developed her signature move, the Dutch Oven. With recommendations reverberating from the Joes, she then pursued a career as a rocket surgeon. She worked diligently on a new waste expulsion system for rockets. Sadly, her time on this project blew by without much success. Her supervisor was overheard saying, "Oh, Crap."

Feeling like her life's work had been flushed away she wandered flatulently from job to job seeking a new passion. Loo and behold, she stumbled upon the Denver Cycle Sluts and knew she could finally relax her puckered colon - where they appreciated her foul-mouthed vocabulary and ability to turn just about anything into a fart joke.


Harlott O'Scara

The Big boobed Dame of the Dakotas, the sparkly showgirl of Sioux City. The Reigna of Rushmore.

The only daughter to Margo Forehead, Harlette was raised with humble beginnings as her mother worked at the only strip joint in Fargo, North Dakota. Harlette soon grew into tap dancing and square dancing at the local VFW and was named little miss hoe down 1973. This was the beginning of her pageant career, at 17 Harlette was crowned Miss Mount Rushmore, however her title was stripped after an unfortunate incident at the International House of Pancakes.
Harlette soon found herself knocked up and single working as a stripper at the Moose Knuckle and discovered she was very fond of gentleman callers, and this began her short-lived career as a one-woman dancing tour throughout the Midwest. Harlette dreamed of someday being a famous Las Vegas show girl. Harlette landed in Reno and became a fill-in-show girl at the Carson Grange Hall where she danced her life away.
Years later she found herself wanting to settle down so she moved to Denver to open up her very own dance studio, you can sometimes find her dancing the two step at Charlie’s on a Saturday afternoon, but her true love will always be dressing up pretty and performing around town. Her latest gig is a fill in bingo caller at a local pizza joint with her new dance crew, the Denver Cycle Sluts.

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