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Ask-A-Slut
September 2010

September Already! It’s time to say “Goodbye” to Summer and “Hello” to the newest members of The Denver Cycle Sluts, Miss Diane Tolikya and Miss Sue Nami! They couldn’t wait to start answering your questions! To meet the new Gurlz in person come join us for “Teachers Pet” Bingo, 9PM Friday September 10 at Hamburger Mary’s in Club M.
 
Dear Cycle Sluts, Last night I went out with my Fag Hag to the clubs. I drank more than I should have and kind of blacked out on the way home. The problem is I woke up in the night in my bed with her on top of me riding my Mr. Happy! I'm 100% gay! What should I do? Signed, "Bush Whacked"
 
Sharon MaGoodies: Did you finish?  I hope you were wearing a condom! I've been tricked outta my seed by many a fag hag and I'm pretty tired of going on the “Who's the Daddy” episodes of Maury!  
Diane Tolickya: Honey, if you kept it up during the whole ride, then you probably weren't "sleeping." Try it again fully awake; that'll tell you that you play for both teams.
Marion McKuzins: First, Sweetie, you should quit drinking. Second, you should clean Mr. Happy with some Listerine. No one likes a baloney-pony that smells like a fish-taco! 
Zoey Diddim: Find a new hag. Now that she’s had your little boy, she’s going to what to "turn you" and you’ll have to return the toaster oven.
Sassy Squatch: Let me guess, she was the one buying your drinks, right? That’s how they get you to go fishing without a worm!
Sue Nami: First off, get a cooties shot, and please tell me Mr. Happy was wearing his special hat! Otherwise, you might have some 'splainin to do about 18 years from now.
Molotovia Cocktail: I think Lucy Van Pelt put it most eloquently, "UGGHHH I’ve been kissed by a dog. Iodine Hot water, UGGHHH."
Winnie Bego: WTF? No weekends in the Winnie Bego for YOU!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts, Why are all the Guys in Denver either Bottoms or liars? Signed, "Disappointed Dater"
 
Sassy: Honey you just need to learn the Denver rules of good tricking! The short one always goes Heels Up! Do taller guys!
Marion:Probably because most "tops" in Denver are hung like Vienna Sausages. Mama prefers to dine on Kielbasa!
Sue: As Zoey said the other day "Being a bottom is a dirty job but someone has to do it." If you had knocked on my door, you would be covered in glitter and walking with a limp!
Sharon: Do you mean they lie about being bottoms?  Or not being bottoms?  Cause please girl, all guys are just 3 beers away from being bottoms!!  Trust!
Diane: Try hanging out with Molly, she'll help you pick up the best Tops that Denver has!
Zoey: Same reason why they say they are hung like horses on Craig's list. To get laid!
Winnie: It's called Life, sweetheart!
Molotovia:  Bend over Baby, I'll drive!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts, Two good friends of mine are dating each other. The other night one of them told me that the other one had cheated on him. He then started coming on to me! I think he's very HOT and all, but they're both friends of mine! What's the best way to deal with this situation? Signed: "Rock And A Hard Place"
 
Winnie: F*%! the friendship and do him.
Marion: They're most likely going to split up, and you'll probably lose one of them as a friend. Cut your losses and screw the hot one!
Sue: I was in this situation once, but it was the ugly friend that was hitting on me. It was the 4th of July so I threw a flag over his face and fucked him for Old Glory.
 Zoey:  Be an equal opportunity friend and romp with both. This way you can still be friends and you get the benefits too.
Sharon: Sleep with him and keep your damn mouth shut about it, if they break up, you're going to have to choose one or the other anyway, so I say try them both out! 
Sassy: The bastard told me he was single! Oopsy!
Diane: Follow my motto: Lick 'em both and run. Let them worry about the mess.
Molotovia: Get them both in the same room and "PIG PILE"
 
Dear Cycle Sluts, Why is it that I can get it on with the "Popular" guys at the bathhouse or the book store, but when I see them out at the bars they ignore me? Signed, “What The Fuck?"
 
Marion:Because, let's face it Poodle, you probably aren't the prettiest marble in the bag. Have some more cheese with that whine, and be grateful those hotties are willing to shoot in your ring!
Zoey: Because at the bathhouse or bookstore they look at your junk but at the bars they look at your face. They probably don't recognize you. maybe they will if you drop trou and bend over. 
Sue: It could have something to do with you running up to them and screaming "Do you want to know what his dick tastes like." and then blowing your stank breath in his friends faces.
Diane: Can someone say "pity screw?" You’re a convenience; visit a different bathhouse and quit reading.
Molotovia:  Obviously they are not as "Popular” as they think. Just keep poking them for fun till you find a man who is not as shallow as their gene pool.
Sharon: oh gurl!!  you know that's like when you get caught shopping at the goodwill and you wear that outfit out and someone recognizes it, you don't call a bitch out. 
Sassy: You’ve seen the “What happens in Vegas” commercials! No one wants they’re mistakes confronting them in public! So Back-off!
Winnie: God Damnit! Stop trying to talk to me outside of the bathhouse/bookstore. 
 
Dear Cycle Sluts, I met a sexy guy at the bar and I really liked him. He asked me to go home with him and I said yes! He then called over his "other half" who was also hot. His partner told me he couldn't wait to have a three way with me. I was so caught off guard that I left and went home. Now I see them all the time and they're still interested! Should I do it? Signed: "3 Musk-A-Queers?"
 
Zoey: If they are as hot as you say then give them my number. I will take your place in the tag team fuck fest.
Sue: Are you out of your mind? Should you do it? Does the Pope shit in the woods? Why aren’t you there right now being the meat in the sandwich? I am sure we could arrange a little practice session. Pick me and another slut and we’ll teach you all that  you need to know!
Sharon: Oh I know those two and they know who they are!  I say just do it and take pictures to share.  K thanks bye!!! 
Winnie: So I guess you didn’t want to spend the night in the Winnie Bego with me and my other half? Hmph. 
Marion: Hell YES you should do it. Time is short and looks are fleeting. Next thing you know, you'll be trolling the bathhouses or bookstores!
Diane: Idiot! You missed out on plenty of man-licking. See if they're still interested; NOW!
Sassy: If the partner was a troll or something I could understand bolting like a rabbit, but since they’re both yummy, I say why not be the center of attention for an hour or three! Can you say “Ego Boost”?
Molotovia: Two's company three's a party. Party on Garth!
 
We hope we’ve been informative and entertaining, but that’s all we have time for.  Check us out in the next issue of The Gayzette and keep those questions coming to: askaslut@gmail.com


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