It’s October again! The month filled with Witches,
Goblins, Trolls, and the Walking Dead! And that’s just what you’ll see at the
bars on a normal weekend! For a truly great time join us for “Spooktacular
Bingo” Friday, October 8 at Hamburger Mary’s Club M. In the
meantime, enjoy this month’s “Ask a Slut!” If you dare!
Dear Cycle Sluts, My boyfriend and I moved in together
but he has a picture of him and his ex displayed in the bedroom. I've asked him
put it away but he says he looks good in the picture and that's why he keeps it
out. What do you think?
Signed, "Ghosts in the Bedroom"
Sharon MaGoodies: Whatever. Hasn't he heard of Photoshop?
Marion McKuzins: I think you
should display the pic of you and me taken at the Republican Convention a
couple of years ago. I thought you looked HOT in that one. However, the
nipple-clamps and anal-beads could be a bit distracting.
Diane Tolickya: You need to cut your boyfriend's picture
out, put it on a picture of a donkey, re-frame it, then tell him you
love it too!
Zoey Diddim: Put up that photo of you and that
hot porn star naked at the bath house. I bet he gets the message. And
maybe you get a three way in the deal.
Sassy Squatch: Just start
your own Ex photo gallery in the bedroom and see how he likes it! Doesn’t the
Bible say “a guy for a guy?”
Sue Nami: Is that the
picture where we’re at the Park? You’re right; he does look good in that one.
If it's the one when we toured all the bath houses, maybe he keeps it as a trophy.
He took it like a champ!
Molotovia Cocktail: I say you
have a very vain boyfriend. Get out the digital, take some cheesecake photos of
you in the buff and replace the offending pic. If he still wants to keep the
pic, tell him he can have sex with it and then get out.
Winnie Bego: Maybe, while
he is at work, take the pic and cut out the ex. But I'm guessing he doesn't
have a job, hence the move in with you.
Dear Cycle Sluts, My partner and I can hardly sleep
together anymore. He's so warm blooded that he has to have the house super cold
or he's miserable, and I feel like I'm freezing to death all the time! Do you
Girls have any suggestions to save our marriage? Signed, "Fire &
Zoey: I heard about these electric butt plugs
that can keep you toasty warm where it really counts. I think I still have the
catalog if you want to stop by for a warm cup of Zoey.
you need your side of the bed to be warmed up, that’s what dogs and houseboys
are for! If you’re lucky, you can get a houseboy that likes to be treated like
a dog! Win-win situation!
Winnie: The Winnie
Bego is always nice and toasty!
Diane: Push his ass off the bed and act like
you're completely asleep. If that doesn't work then don't pay the electricity
I am missing the obvious here, but there have been some recent innovations in
the blanket dept. I’d suggest you check it out.
Marion: Maybe you
should cut your losses now and end the relationship. You'll be warmer (and presumably
happier) AND there’ll be one less whiner in the world! OR... get a Snuggie!
Sharon: Twin Beds... like Lucy and Ricky. I
still can't figure out how she got prego! Ricky must have a long penis.
Molotovia: My house is
the same way. "You're too hot move over, get away." If he is worth it
get some footie PJ's with the drop seat. That way your toes are warm, and he
has easy access.
Dear Cycle Sluts, Can you please help me? My last
boyfriend has turned into a "Psycho Stalker!" I broke up with him
because he cheated on me, and now he texts and calls all the time and shows up
at my house in the middle of the night! Signed, "Fatal Attraction"
Winnie: OMG! Why
won’t you love me anymore? I gave you the best week of my life!
Marion: Well, what am
I supposed to do? You won't answer my calls. You change your number. I
mean...I'm not gonna be ignored…Dan!
Zoey: You broke up
with him because he cheated once? Well, aren’t you the prissy one! Throw the
guy a boner and take him back. He may have learned a new trick on his
travels to share.
Sharon: From what I hear, he's just trying to
get that jacket and money back that you borrowed from him!
Diane: I've told Sue Nami to stop, but she
can't let go. P.S…She told me to tell you to walk the dog and pick up your dry
Sue: What the hell do I have to do? Boil a
bunny? I told you the night that we met, we would be together forever. Oh by
the way, I don't like the new curtains. I can’t see anything.
to the wonderful world of dating gone wild! I have two words for you:
RESTRAINING ORDER! Use them well!
Molotovia: I can loan
you my cute little Glock. It fits neatly into any purse and the silencer is a
pretty silver color. Very Outré'.
Dear Cycle Sluts, I went on a
date with a guy I met, and we just didn't click. Nothing happened! Now I find
out that he's telling everyone at the bars that I was a terrible screw! How do
I repair my reputation? Signed, "Damaged
order to repair your reputation, you’re going to have to screw everyone and
show them you are not a terrible roll in the hay. Of course, you’re then going
to have a completely different reputation. But it's not all that bad. Just ask
Zoey: I have no idea what to say. This has never happened to
me. My reputation is that I am great in the sack. I should know. I’m the one
writing it on the bathroom walls.
Diane: Plain and simple; find a guy that looks
similar to him, make a sex tape, take photos, and share the
"evidence" with your bar mates.
Sue: Sassy can be a bitch like that. The best
way to save your reputation is to sleep with everyone he’s told so that way
they know you are a dynamite lay.
Molotovia: Fess up to
all of those people and tell them it is true, you couldn’t full-FILL him. You
can only swing your hot dog down a hallway so long before the 2x4 (tied to your
ass so you don't fall in) starts to rub you the wrong way.
Sharon: You should probably move to another
state and hope that no one knows you there!
the truth Sweetie! Tell them you never even touched him because when you saw
the pus filled sores it put you off your game!
Winnie: Maybe a
weekend getaway in the Winnie Bego! I don't screw and tell!
Dear Cycle Sluts, I tricked with a guy last week and
things started to get really hot and heavy. Then he took out his teeth! What
should I have done? Signed, "Jaw Dropper"
Diane: Just exactly how much were you paying
for those senior services? Next time try West Colfax instead!
Sue: Hummer is not just an SUV darling. I
would suggest enjoying the ride. Think about kittens. Maybe he will put them
back in before he wants to make out.
Zoey: Who cares about the front? Bend him over the
couch and F-BOMB his ass until day light, then get him to make you breakfast.
Something soft like oatmeal!
Winnie: Oh honey!
Nothing better than a gummer! By the way, Zoey, didn't you know he was THAT old
before you took him home?
should have finished your business, Chicken! I can give an excellent knob job,
but can't kneel real well without my walker.
Sassy: Poodle,you never ask if they have teeth at
the glory holes, so why start now? If you don’t like the way it looks use a
Molotovia: You should
have thanked him, spanked him, and invited him to dinner.
Sharon: Sounds perfect to me. I'm always
smacking tricks in the back of the head telling them no teeth. Can I have his
We hope we’ve been informative and entertaining, but
that’s all we have time for. Check us out in the next Gayzette and keep those questions coming to: firstname.lastname@example.org