It's November and time to give thanks, so as you read
this edition of "Ask-A-Slut" be thankful you don't have the same
problems as the poor schmucks asking the questions! And be sure to mark your
calendar for Turkey Bingo at Hamburger Mary's Club M, Friday 11/12/10
benefiting the CAP Food Bank! You might just take home a turkey; other than
Dear Cycle Sluts, I’m having problems with my roommate!
He never pitches in money for groceries or buys his own food, but has no
problem in eating all the food that I buy. But he has never been late with the
rent or the other bills. What should I do to try and correct the situation?
Signed, "What's eating me?"
Sharon MaGoodies: Ever heard of Ex-lax brownies? Just
be sure to pick up a couple extra rolls of TP next time you’re at the
Marion McKuzins: You should
bake your roommate one of those kitty-litter cakes that are so popular. Only
replace the tootsie-rolls with the real thing right from Fluffy's litter box.
One bite should keep him from eating your food. And if it doesn't...at least
you won't have to clean the litter box so often.
Diane Tolickya: Use your chains from the bedroom for a
different reason; to lock the kitchen cabinets. Then send him to Molotovia's
house for dinner, I'm sure she has something for him to eat.
Zoey Diddim: Tell him the rent has gone up to cover
the food bill, then charge him back rent to cover a few months.
Sassy Squatch: I find that
when I mark everything I own with my feces most folks tend to leave it alone,
but then most leave me alone too. I wonder if it's a coincidence.
Sue Nami: I have read
that liberally applied hot peppers have an amazing effect on moochy roommates.
In fact, you should make a Wasabi Pie. After that, he’ll be afraid to eat a can
Molotovia Cocktail: What you need
to do is remove the refrigerator and put in a vending machine. Then wear
nothing but a change belt and ask “Are you hungry yet?”
Winnie Bego: Well, gurl, you
can always come and eat at the Winnie Bego and leave him at home to
Dear Cycle Sluts,I am currently dating a guy who is super nice,
handsome, and extremely well built. All my friends are so jealous that I got
such a great guy! What they don't know is that in the romance department he
falls really, really SHORT! Should I overlook his one obvious flaw just because
everything else about him is so perfect?
Signed: "Arm candy only"
Diane: This is where you ask yourself the good
'ol question of "Does size matter?" If so, you might find yourself
hooking up with one of your friends who measures up to your picky standards.
Sue: Sometimes I am a little slow on the
uptake. When I read your question the first time, I got that he wasn't very
amorous. Then, I read it again and realized that you are an idiot. Nice,
handsome, well built guys don’t come along every day, and you are willing to
throw him back because he is a little small? You could always butch up your act
a little and reverse the situation.
Zoey: Keep Mr. Perfect. Your friends will be jealous
and you can be butch.
Sharon: Do his feet hang over the edge? You
could always get a California King, they are a bit longer length, and
that should help with his falling short. Winnie: Honey, doesn’t sound like he has a flaw, and if
he does its YOU that is the flaw. Get over yourself!
this? I should think not! It doesn't sound like this guy is perfect enough for
you (if there is such a thing). Keep looking for perfection, kid...and remember
what Mark Twain once said, "It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog."
seems like the only thing deep about you is the opening your boyfriend can’t
fill! Cut him loose so he can go find someone more deserving!
Molotovia: More than a
mouthful is a waste anyway! Just flip him, hold on tight, and use it as a
Dear Cycle Sluts, Is it some sort of new trend for gay
men to take their mothers out with them to the bars? Signed, "No Mama's
think it’s sweet! This way you get to meet his mom in a social setting before
she barges in his room while he’s heel- to-Jesus!
Marion:No, Darlin, this ain't a new trend. Gay men have been
taking their mothers to the bars for decades. Where do you think the term
"Momma's Boy" comes from anyway?
Diane: It's a benefit having mom
around when the wrong guy hits on you. You can tell him "I'm married
to her, and no thanks."
Sue: Fag hags aren't 21 forever. Get the old
broad hammered, and then you can have free reign of the goodies until she
sobers up and demands to know why she’s locked in the trunk.
Sharon: I saw on the fashion network that mom's
are like the new accessory and you know how the gays like to follow trends.
Zoey: That trend is not new. Moms are the
perfect hags. They get quality time with their girly boys then go home to the
big daddy. The sons look like husband material, and they get laid! It’s a
Winnie: I guess
that's one way I can call my mom a HAG, FAG HAG!
Molotovia: OOHH Lordy! If my Mama knew what I looked
like!!! I don't mind the little ladies because they are usually a hoot to talk
to, and they tip me off to the BOYS to stay away from. I take mine
Dear Cycle Sluts, I took a guy on a first date to a
nice restaurant a week ago. He seemed like the kind of guy who would appreciate
the effort but the whole time we were there he spent texting on his phone!
Besides being rude as hell, I thought it was very disrespectful! What would you
have done in my shoes? Signed: "Hello... I'm right here!"
Winnie: Sorry, I’m
very important and had to send out my mass texts during dinner. Won’t happen
again. Well then again, it probably will.
Marion: Pumpkin, have
you ever heard of a red flag? Because this one is huge and is waving like amber
fields of grain! I think it's best to cut your losses with this loser and find
yourself someone who actually likes you
Zoey: Text a friend
to call you with an emergency. He already has a new boyfriend… or eight.
Sharon: Apparently you have phone envy!
It's 2010. Get a smart phone.
Diane: I would’ve ordered several expensive
items off the menu, excused myself to "use the restroom,” left the
restaurant, and stiffed him with the bill.
Sue: I would have started to text my entire
dinner conversation to him, sprinkled with random observations about how hot
the waiter is and my views on global warming. He is clearly not into you, so
now is the time to let loose your inner crazy girl and have fun with it. Sue
Nami does not handle rejection well. My date would have ended in tears.
Sassy:Technology makes me very clumsy! It seems
my water glass is always tipping over whenever a date texts at the dinner
table! Oops, monkey fingers!
Molotovia: I would have
taken his phone, wrapped it in a condom, and stuck it in his very private
place. Vibrate function off of course! No free rides!
Dear Cycle Sluts, My little
brother just came out to me and wants me to help him tell our parents. When I
came out they took it really badly, but they always thought my brother would
get married and give them the grandkids they want so much! Can you suggest the
gentlest way to break the news? Signed,
"All in the family"
Thanksgiving is coming up, and that seems to always be the "right"
time to spout that info out to the family.
should this news be broken gently? Blurt it out during Christmas dinner, or at
the next family reunion, or while standing in line at the grocery store. Be
creative and have fun humiliating your parents. It's the least you can do since
you and your brother are such disappointments!
Zoey: At the next family dinner tell them that although mom
gave birth to two boys, they ended up with two gurlz. Now dad has two brides to
walk down the aisle.
Diane: Wait until Christmas and get your
parents matching t-shirts that say "I Love My Gay Sons.” Make sure to wrap the hell out of them, use
several boxes and pretty pink wrapping paper!
Sue: Oh honey, I think you need to tell your
brother that you are not involved in his coming out. It is an individual process,
and he will grow from it. Then you need to be in the room when he does and
enjoy all of the uncomfortable awkwardness. You could even add to the
festivities by saying things like: "Oh, I guess your dream of grandkids
just died," or "Wow. Did you guys do acid when you were pregnant with
us?" Remember the popcorn. It should be a very special evening.
Molotovia: I agree with my sisters; the holidays are the
time to share gayety and joy! When your brother asks you to pass the yams say,
“Sure thing you big Mo”… and then duck! A turkey carcass will be flying your
Sharon: I think that when you tell them,
you should give them a puppy. There is no such thing as bad news
when you get a puppy
Sassy: If he still lives at home, leave a copy
of Gayzette in his underwear drawer where mom will find it! Be sure to leave it
open to this page and highlight this question! Mission accomplished!
We hope we’ve been informative and entertaining, but
that’s all we have time for. Check us
out in the next Gayzette and keep
those questions coming to: firstname.lastname@example.org