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Ask-A-Slut
November 2010

It's November and time to give thanks, so as you read this edition of "Ask-A-Slut" be thankful you don't have the same problems as the poor schmucks asking the questions! And be sure to mark your calendar for Turkey Bingo at Hamburger Mary's Club M, Friday 11/12/10 benefiting the CAP Food Bank! You might just take home a turkey; other than your date!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts, I’m having problems with my roommate! He never pitches in money for groceries or buys his own food, but has no problem in eating all the food that I buy. But he has never been late with the rent or the other bills. What should I do to try and correct the situation?
Signed, "What's eating me?"
 
Sharon MaGoodies: Ever heard of Ex-lax brownies?  Just be sure to pick up a couple extra rolls of TP next time you’re at the store. 
Marion McKuzins: You should bake your roommate one of those kitty-litter cakes that are so popular. Only replace the tootsie-rolls with the real thing right from Fluffy's litter box. One bite should keep him from eating your food. And if it doesn't...at least you won't have to clean the litter box so often.
Diane Tolickya: Use your chains from the bedroom for a different reason; to lock the kitchen cabinets. Then send him to Molotovia's house for dinner, I'm sure she has something for him to eat.
Zoey Diddim: Tell him the rent has gone up to cover the food bill, then charge him back rent to cover a few months.  
Sassy Squatch: I find that when I mark everything I own with my feces most folks tend to leave it alone, but then most leave me alone too. I wonder if it's a coincidence. 
Sue Nami: I have read that liberally applied hot peppers have an amazing effect on moochy roommates. In fact, you should make a Wasabi Pie. After that, he’ll be afraid to eat a can of soup. 
Molotovia Cocktail: What you need to do is remove the refrigerator and put in a vending machine. Then wear nothing but a change belt and ask “Are you hungry yet?”
Winnie Bego: Well, gurl, you can always come and eat at the Winnie Bego and leave him at home to starve. 
Dear Cycle Sluts,I am currently dating a guy who is super nice, handsome, and extremely well built. All my friends are so jealous that I got such a great guy! What they don't know is that in the romance department he falls really, really SHORT! Should I overlook his one obvious flaw just because everything else about him is so perfect?
Signed: "Arm candy only"
 
Diane: This is where you ask yourself the good 'ol question of "Does size matter?" If so, you might find yourself hooking up with one of your friends who measures up to your picky standards.
Sue: Sometimes I am a little slow on the uptake. When I read your question the first time, I got that he wasn't very amorous. Then, I read it again and realized that you are an idiot. Nice, handsome, well built guys don’t come along every day, and you are willing to throw him back because he is a little small? You could always butch up your act a little and reverse the situation.
Zoey: Keep Mr. Perfect. Your friends will be jealous and you can be butch.
Sharon: Do his feet hang over the edge? You could always get a California King, they are a bit longer length, and that should help with his falling short. Winnie: Honey, doesn’t sound like he has a flaw, and if he does its YOU that is the flaw. Get over yourself!
Marion: Overlook this? I should think not! It doesn't sound like this guy is perfect enough for you (if there is such a thing). Keep looking for perfection, kid...and remember what Mark Twain once said, "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."
Sassy:Wow! It’s seems like the only thing deep about you is the opening your boyfriend can’t fill! Cut him loose so he can go find someone more deserving!
Molotovia: More than a mouthful is a waste anyway! Just flip him, hold on tight, and use it as a saddle horn!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts, Is it some sort of new trend for gay men to take their mothers out with them to the bars? Signed, "No Mama's Boys"
 
Sassy: I think it’s sweet! This way you get to meet his mom in a social setting before she barges in his room while he’s heel- to-Jesus!
Marion:No, Darlin, this ain't a new trend. Gay men have been taking their mothers to the bars for decades. Where do you think the term "Momma's Boy" comes from anyway?
Diane: It's a benefit having mom around when the wrong guy hits on you. You can tell him "I'm married to her, and no thanks."
Sue: Fag hags aren't 21 forever. Get the old broad hammered, and then you can have free reign of the goodies until she sobers up and demands to know why she’s locked in the trunk.
Sharon: I saw on the fashion network that mom's are like the new accessory and you know how the gays like to follow trends.
Zoey: That trend is not new. Moms are the perfect hags. They get quality time with their girly boys then go home to the big daddy. The sons look like husband material, and they get laid! It’s a win/win.
Winnie: I guess that's one way I can call my mom a HAG, FAG HAG!
Molotovia:  OOHH Lordy! If my Mama knew what I looked like!!! I don't mind the little ladies because they are usually a hoot to talk to, and they tip me off to the BOYS to stay away from. I take mine "MEN" please!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts, I took a guy on a first date to a nice restaurant a week ago. He seemed like the kind of guy who would appreciate the effort but the whole time we were there he spent texting on his phone! Besides being rude as hell, I thought it was very disrespectful! What would you have done in my shoes? Signed: "Hello... I'm right here!"
 
Winnie: Sorry, I’m very important and had to send out my mass texts during dinner. Won’t happen again. Well then again, it probably will.  
Marion: Pumpkin, have you ever heard of a red flag? Because this one is huge and is waving like amber fields of grain! I think it's best to cut your losses with this loser and find yourself someone who actually likes you
 Zoey: Text a friend to call you with an emergency. He already has a new boyfriend… or eight.
Sharon: Apparently you have phone envy!  It's 2010. Get a smart phone. 
Diane: I would’ve ordered several expensive items off the menu, excused myself to "use the restroom,” left the restaurant, and stiffed him with the bill.
Sue: I would have started to text my entire dinner conversation to him, sprinkled with random observations about how hot the waiter is and my views on global warming. He is clearly not into you, so now is the time to let loose your inner crazy girl and have fun with it. Sue Nami does not handle rejection well. My date would have ended in tears.
Sassy:Technology makes me very clumsy! It seems my water glass is always tipping over whenever a date texts at the dinner table! Oops, monkey fingers!
Molotovia: I would have taken his phone, wrapped it in a condom, and stuck it in his very private place. Vibrate function off of course! No free rides!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts, My little brother just came out to me and wants me to help him tell our parents. When I came out they took it really badly, but they always thought my brother would get married and give them the grandkids they want so much! Can you suggest the gentlest way to break the news? Signed, "All in the family"
 
Winnie: Well, Thanksgiving is coming up, and that seems to always be the "right" time to spout that info out to the family.
Marion:Why should this news be broken gently? Blurt it out during Christmas dinner, or at the next family reunion, or while standing in line at the grocery store. Be creative and have fun humiliating your parents. It's the least you can do since you and your brother are such disappointments!
Zoey: At the next family dinner tell them that although mom gave birth to two boys, they ended up with two gurlz. Now dad has two brides to walk down the aisle. 
Diane: Wait until Christmas and get your parents matching t-shirts that say "I Love My Gay Sons.”  Make sure to wrap the hell out of them, use several boxes and pretty pink wrapping paper!
Sue: Oh honey, I think you need to tell your brother that you are not involved in his coming out. It is an individual process, and he will grow from it. Then you need to be in the room when he does and enjoy all of the uncomfortable awkwardness. You could even add to the festivities by saying things like: "Oh, I guess your dream of grandkids just died," or "Wow. Did you guys do acid when you were pregnant with us?" Remember the popcorn. It should be a very special evening. 
Molotovia:  I agree with my sisters; the holidays are the time to share gayety and joy! When your brother asks you to pass the yams say, “Sure thing you big Mo”… and then duck! A turkey carcass will be flying your way!
Sharon: I think that when you tell them, you should give them a puppy. There is no such thing as bad news when you get a puppy   
Sassy: If he still lives at home, leave a copy of Gayzette in his underwear drawer where mom will find it! Be sure to leave it open to this page and highlight this question! Mission accomplished!
 
 
We hope we’ve been informative and entertaining, but that’s all we have time for.  Check us out in the next Gayzette and keep those questions coming to: askaslut@gmail.com
 

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