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Ask-A-Slut
May 2010

Every month you have more questions and in “Ask a Slut” we supply you with our answers! Enjoy and for more fun join us for “Amateur Slut Bingo” May 14th at Hamburger Mary’s, Club M. Doors open at 7pm and Balls drop at 9pm!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
My boyfriend says he is straight but for some strange reason we always seem to end up hanging out at the gay bars with his gay friends. Should I be concerned?
Signed, "Gay Friendly?"
 
Zoey Diddim: Only if you’re a woman.
Sharon MaGoodies: I'm confused.  Is this a girl asking about her boyfriend?  If so honey, it's probably time to move on cause next thing you know you'll be at a Cher concert and this bitch will know all the lyrics!  Just sayin!
Winnie Bego: Oh! Great, another six pack gay boi! Girlfriend! Kick him to the curb!
Marion McKuzins: Darlin, you should be as concerned as a June-bug sitting on a duck's back! It only takes a six-pack for your man to start playing for the other team! And by the sounds of it, your boyfriend's already had a case or two.
Sassy Squatch: It could be that you actually found a guy that is straight but not narrow, but my money says the only straight thing about him is his Beard of a girlfriend! That would be you, Sweetie!
Molotovia Cocktail: Sounds like your boyfriend is "Straight to the next dick."  If you don't mind him coming home with a greasy butt hole then as you were. If this is a problem you may need to kick him to the curb.(Or kick him my way, I'll help him out.)
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I've been dating the same guy for a couple of weeks and we finally decided to spend the night together. Nothing happened because when we got naked I noticed that he only had one nut! I really like him but will sex be the same if he doesn't have a pair of balls?
Signed, "It takes two Baby"
 
Molotovia: The major function of the male testes is sperm production for procreation. I'm guessing your butt babies are not going to live with one, two, or fifteen nads pumping out the baby batter. Just think with only one, it will be much easier to pop into your mouth the next time he teabags you. If you like him it should only make for good cocktail talk.
Marion: Who do I look like to you, Dr. Ruth?!? I'll defer this question to the expert on this subject...Miss Zoey Diddim. She'll do just about anyone, so I'm guessing she can answer this one (emphasis is on ONE)!
Zoey: That didn't stop Lance from dumping his wife to father another kid after sleeping around.
Sharon: They say more than a mouthful is a waste so I really don't see a problem you size queen whore! 
Sassy: I think that his having just one meatball would make sex safer! This way only one of your nostrils will get blocked when you’re 69ing! Less chance of suffocation!
Winnie: I’d say whack the other nut off and call him "Mounds" cause "Almond Joy" has nuts now yours don't!

Dear Cycle Sluts,
While my partner was out of town I found a box in his closet and opened it. Inside were pictures of him working as a porn star. We've been together for years and he has never shared with me that he did porn! I feel hurt and lied to! What should I do?
Signed, "Secrets in the Closet"
 
Sharon: Um, get over it! 
Marion:Sassy, I've told you not to be snooping in my closet when I'm out of town! Did you find my copy of "Little Red Ride Me Under My Hood?" 
Zoey: Post those pics on your Facebook page, tag him and brag that you are sleeping with a hot porn star.
Winnie: Oh My! Sounds like my Ex! Shall we swap pornos and share notes?
Molotovia:  What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas! If you have been together for "Years" and it hasn't cum up then let it go. Have you told him about me and you that night in the alley??? I thought not.
Sassy: OMG! Consider yourself really lucky! The last secret I found out about a boyfriend was that me and half his softball team all needed to hit the free clinic for a round of heavy duty antibiotics!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
Some friends talked me into going with them to a Leather weekend event in Texas. I felt so out of place! Even when I made an effort to be Butch it didn't help at all. One guy even told me I might be hot if I could keep my mouth shut! Can you give me some tips on Butching it up?
Signed: "Swish Hitter"
 
Winnie: Yeah, how about a big glass of "Shut the Hell Up".
Zoey:  Not all leather folk are "Butches" some are bitches. Slap on a pecker gag and enjoy being a power bottom.
Sharon: It's the age old saying, looks like Tarzan, talks like Jane!  Sorry bitch, if you open your mouth and a purse falls out, there is no hope for butching it up!
Molotovia: Keep your mouth shut and the next time you see this guy he will probably be the one kicking his heels to heaven. Butch is a state of mind and as long as your mind is on the task at hand and not in Saks 5th Avenue dress shop you should be fine.
Sassy: Oh Poodle! If you gold plate a turd it’s still a turd! What I mean to say is “be true to yourself”! I bet there’re plenty of Twinks that will think you’re very manly! Oh and get new travel buddies!
Marion: You're asking the Denver Cycle Sluts to help you butch it up?? Damn, you must take the prize for nelliest queen on the planet! I’d suggest a sex change.
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I'm very self-conscious when it comes to sex! I've been with guys that when they get turned on they gush! I'm just not that way, I don't make much pre-cum and even when I shoot I don't cum very much! What can I do to make me shoot more?
Signed, "Tired of the Dry Hump"
 
Zoey: Do it doggie style, pull out then spit on his back! He will never know the difference.
Sassy: It might help to try sober sex with someone that you are really attracted to instead of the Last Chance, Last Call, Desperation Drunk Sex you’ve been settling for! Try quality not tragic for a change!
Marion:You could try not burping your worm for a week. The next time you play a flute solo on your meat whistle that baby should blow like that scene in Scary Movie! 
Molotovia: Hydrate, Hydrate, Hydrate. Try abstaining for a week before you have relations, and if this doesn't work then flip him over and at the most intimate of moments squirt some lotion on his back rub it in real quick and moan a lot.
Sharon: Well, I found that if I don't jack off every day I have a bit more of a gushy pee-pee.  So maybe try not to whack it daily and give the internet porn a break and see what happens.  Or just stick your finger in your ass while you’re jacking that ding-a-ling and sometimes that works too!
Winnie: I've always heard a cattle prod up the ole bung hole really does the trick! That is if you are the "trick".
 
We hope we’ve been informative and entertaining, but that’s all we have time for.  Check us out in the next Gayzette and submit your questions to askaslut@gmail.comYou can also check us out on our website at www.denvercyclesluts.net.
 

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