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Ask-A-Slut
March 2010

Greetings Lads & Lassies! It’s hard to believe it’s already March of 2010! It’s the month of rainbows, pots of gold and Leprechauns! Speaking of the Wee Folk, come join us for Leprechaun Bingo March 12 at Hamburger Mary’s, Club M. Doors open at 7pm and Balls drop at 9pm! And check out our new website at www.denvercyclesluts.net.
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I don't have "The Luck of the Irish" when it comes to dating! I carry a four leaf clover but I still can't get lucky! What pick-up lines work best for you Gurlz?
Signed, “Line Me Up”
 
Zoey:Why a four leaf clover? Just offer up your pink rosebud!
Winnie: I usually say, "Wanna ride in the Winnie Bego?"
Marion: Baby, I've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U!
Sassy: Wanna go for take-out or would ya like to eat me here?
Sharon:  Honey, the only leaves I know anything about are Mary Jane leaves and how you pick up some of them is to ask someone on Colfax what time it is.
Molotovia: Just go straight for the jugular and say "You're hot wanna Fuck?"  If they run away they weren't worth the trouble.
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I consider myself a Bottom but I don't have sex very often. When I have sex it hurts, even if I'm really aroused. What should I do? Signed, “Bottomed Out”
 
Marion: Poodle-Britches, I suggest that you go to the outhouse and back that big, brown, motor-home out of the garage.  Sounds to me like your plumbin' is all clogged up.
Winnie: One word, Poppers! Works every time, kinda like the Bend and Snap.
Zoey:  Sounds like you need to do some stretching exercises. Get a series of dildos in progressive sizes and work your way up from small to DO ME NOW!!!
Sharon: Interesting.  Have you considered becoming a monk?
Sassy: You must really be a tight-ass! When you fart do all the dogs in the neighborhood start barking?
Molotovia: Give up hope of being a size queen and find a smaller man. There are many teeny weenies out there just aching to be had.
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I'm attracted to little people! I don't mean leprechauns. I'm talking about midgets & dwarfs. I find their size very erotic! Have any suggestions on where to meet some?
Signed, “Pygmy Pig”
 
Winnie Bego: Click your feet together 3 times and make believe that you are in the land of OZ.
Marion McKuzins: If you squint your eyes a little, Zoey looks a bit like a munchkin.
Sharon MaGoodies: Get a Bozo outfit and head to the circus.  Just hope you don't meet a little person afraid of clowns.
Zoey Diddim: Try the race tracks. I hear jockeys are hung like horses.
Sassy Squatch: Try “Under the Big Top” personals, but keep your wallet handy! The smaller the hooker the bigger the cost!
Molotovia Cocktail: Well my pretty, I think you should ease on down the yellow brick road. Either that or, Pitch your tent at the circus. Talk about a freak show.

Dear Cycle Sluts,
Do guys with big feet, big hands or big noses really have big penises? Signed, Looking for Clues”
 
Winnie: Sassy? You want to answer this one?
Sassy: Big feet just mean big socks and shoes! The only way to know for sure is to give his meat a good rub and tickle before taking him home!
Marion: Some do, some don't.  You just have to keep checkin'-the-chocolates till you find the big, thick, creamy ones.
Zoey: The only way to truly tell how hung a guy is, is to try to swallow the monster. He’s hung if it passes your tonsils. 
Molotovia: My daddy always said “It’s not the size of the yacht but the motion of the ocean”, But when you drive the QUEEN MARY like I do, yes I do have big feet, hands, and one hell of a honker.
Sharon: Define big? If we factor the whole Jew nose in there’s too much of a margin of error for me to help you out.
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
My boyfriend shaves his cock and balls and tells me he wants me to do the same for him. I've tried it in the past but found that when the hair starts growing back it makes me crazy! What should I do?  Signed, Slick Willy
 
Marion: Your boyfriend obviously likes a smooth noodle, Poodle - so quit your whining and ask your partner to shave it for you!  To help stop the itching, have him apply a little hand crème!
Zoey:Shave more often. No one likes it when a cock crows 5 o'clock shadow.
Molotovia:  Miss Molly has always preferred the "Natural look", but if he insists, make him touch up those rough spots. Then while he’s down there.....!
Sharon: Sounds like you need to grow a pair before you can shave them.  Do you ever want him to go down on you again?  There ain't nothing worse than going down on some bush and getting a pubie stuck in your teeth!
Sassy: Monkey Munch, even I shave down there! They can’t lick it if they can’t find it!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
What's the big deal about St. Patrick's Day? Most the guys I know aren't even Irish, but they use March 17th as an excuse to get drunk and act like assholes!
Signed, “Irish I had friends”
 
Winnie: Yeah, and…?
Marion:Don't you judge me! 
Sassy: Wow! Someone hasn’t been getting their Shillelagh polished! Wonder why???
Zoey: Most don't need excuses to be assholes but they still hope they can get lucky like the Irish!
Sharon: Actually, March 18th is a super secret holiday and those of us in the know take the day off and then go party on the 17th since we can sleep in but only till noon, oh, wait, I can't tell you anymore. 
Molotovia:  Who needs an excuse? I can get drunk any time I like. Of course I don't act like an asshole, but I have been known to think with my dick.
 
We hope we’ve been informative and entertaining, but that’s all we have time for.  Check us out in the next issue of The Gayzette and keep those questions coming to: www.DenverCycleSluts.net


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