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Ask-A-Slut
July 2010

We can’t believe it’s already July? We’re barely recovered from Pride and now we have July 4th and Gay Rodeo to keep us busy! There is also our “Slut Search Show” on Saturday July 24 at Hamburger Mary’s “Club M”. Come try out to be one of us or just watch the show! Doors open at 7PM and the show starts at 8PM and proceeds go to the Cycle Slut charity of the month.  Now on with the questions and answers!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
My partner and I have been together a long time and thing have been great. Recently he started a new diet that seems to really work for him. The problem is now he's farting in his sleep and it's really toxic! It's so bad it wakes me up at night! What can I do about it?
Signed: "Dutch Oven"
 
Winnie Bego: Oh my! If I wasn’t a lady, I'd give you a good ole Dutch oven some night in the Winnie Bego.
Zoey Diddim: I would go talk to Holden MaGoodies. He and Sharon have been together of years and that girl could clear a pig farm with her ass explosions. Just sayin'!
Marion McKuzins: Sounds like your partner could use some Man-ssengill to help clean out the road kill on the old Hershey-highway. A garden hose and a shop-vac work just fine.
Sharon MaGoodies: Guess you can sleep downstairs Holden!  Bitch, I told you if you wrote another question about our relationship to this column I was gonna go Lorena Bobbit on you!!  You best sleep with one eye open and get yourself some nose plugs.
Sassy Squatch: Sweetie, there's lots of people out there that would love to be in your shoes right now. What am I saying? They'd probably rather sniff your shoes instead! The only cure for the nocturnal poops is separate bedrooms or a gas mask!
Molotovia Cocktail: Stuff his olives for his martinis with a BEENO. Either that or eat the same diet and go fart for fart with him. The family that farts together......
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I started dating a new guy that is so much fun to be with. I went over to his house for the first time last night and was shocked by what I saw. That show Hoarders has nothing on him. I couldn't even find his bed! Should I stay with him and try to change him?
Signed: "Hoard D'oeuvres"
 
Winnie: Run girl, run! You might get a surprise and find a dead ex laying around under that crap.
Zoey: Don't try to change him. He’ll just insist on keeping it as a "memory" of what he used to be, most likely in a jar somewhere.
Marion: You could stay for a while, Baby. Just don't eat anything he offers you. Unless you prefer cat-pâté!
Sassy: Why try to change a good thing! Just think of all the fun you two can have with sexual role playing! An archaeological excavation in the bedroom, spelunking in the bathroom shower, and my personal favorite, “Alleyway Bum Sex” on the rat infested sofa!
Molotovia: Run as fast as you can. There’s no changing him & you don't want to be the object that his next trick finds in his "NEST"
Sharon: What is it with you fuckers trying to change your partners?  Deal with it or shut the fuck up!  Thanks, Bye!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I've been having a lot of stress at work lately and a friend of mine suggested that I should try Fire Cupping to relax. This particular friend is into S&M so I'm a little bit leery of his recommendation. What do you think about it? Signed: "Flame Retardant"
 
Sharon: I'm not sure why you are leery of Sharon and Marion.  Lots of people are into us.  I have heard us referred to as fire crotch but I’m not sure what this cupping thing is.  If you would like to try some cupping of the Sharon and Marion variety you might find out that you are into S&M as well.
 Winnie: WTF? You freaky people crack my shit up. Please refer this question to Zoey.
Zoey: Is this that new S&M thing where you put your balls in a bag filled with fire ants? That shit gets kinkier all the time.
Molotovia: Oh don't be such a pussy. Fire cupping is a perfectly natural way to draw out those nasty toxins from the system. Besides, it can give you a wonderful set of back nipples, so the next time I ride your backside I’ll have some nice Play toys.
Marion:The only cupping I'm familiar with involves two girls and a cup. But thanks for the memories. Now if you'll excuse me...I have to go throw up.
.Sassy: I think I know what that is! Isn't it when you put Ben Gay in someone's jock strap? My vote is, don't let him do it! It'll burn like Hell and it makes your junk smell like a retirement home!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I've been told that a lot of personal lubricants have ingredients that can be toxic and harmful when used internally. I don't want to use something during sex that's going to give me a rash (or worse) afterward! Do you have any suggestions on how to make it slick safely? Signed: "Greasing not Wheezing"
 
Winnie: Hell yeah girl! Good ole fashion "spit" works for me every time. Conjure up a big ole spit-wad and go at if for hours.
Zoey:  What do Julia Childs and fisters have in common? Butter. Or butter flavored Crisco. 
Sharon: Well you could get yourself a good flu bug that gives you constant diarrhea, that way you'll be lubed for his convenience all the time and you can send that boy right up the Hershey highway the natural way.
Molotovia: Lick it then stick it. I always go with the tried and true.
Sassy: I don't know how safe it would be but a quick swim in the Gulf of Mexico should oil up your love chute! Just don't let BP figure out what you're doing! They don't need any more ideas about how to SCREW us over!
Marion: I'm not the one to ask, Darlin. My who-ha dried up years ago. Well...except for when I dribble a little when I sneeze.
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
You ladies always look so fantastic and your wigs are styled so well! I was wondering if you had any suggestions I can use for caring for my merkin? Signed: "Bush Whacked"
 
Zoey: I go to Juan Julio to take care of my hair and other things. He might have an opening to take care of your merkin but he may expect you to have an opening too. Think of it as his BIG TIP! 
Marion:I usually keep mine in a glass jar in the refrigerator, soaking it vinegar. It stay nice and crunchy that way. Oh crap! You said merkin...I thought you said gherkin. My bad!
Molotovia: I find that a little Murphy's Oil soap gets the kinks out and get things nice and soft.  I just don't know if this will make your Cooter smell like a ball room Floor.
Sharon: You know I never watched that show on the animal planet, Merkin Manor, so I'm not really sure how to take care of one or what they are but I'm sure they're just like a dog so I imagine you could just take it to a groomer right?
Winnie: Yeah! Put that damn thing up and never let it out. You know where that "thing" has been and I don’t want to catch "Merkinitis"!
Sassy: Who the hell cares how you style your merkin? My only suggestion is that you should rinse that welcome mat out with heavy duty soap after each visitor leaves! Nobody likes a crispy cunt carpet!
 
We hope we’ve been informative and entertaining, but that’s all we have time for.  Check us out in the next Gayzette and submit your questions to askaslut@gmail.comYou can also check us out on our website at www.denvercyclesluts.net.
 
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