-
Ask-A-Slut
January 2011

Happy Slutty 2011! We’re starting the New Year off right with some questions that we’ve been saving just for you. We hope you enjoy them, and for an extra dose of slutiness be sure to join us for “Hooker Bingo” Friday Jan 14 at Club M, Hamburger Mary’s. Doors open at 7PM and balls drop 8PM. See ya there!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
Last week at the bar I walked past two guys making out and I almost lost my lunch! They smelled homeless! How can someone make out with someone else who never bathes?
Signed, "Cold Shower, Please"
 
Sharon MaGoodies: Well, if it looks like trash and smells like trash, then I'll assume it's attracted to trash so there you go!
Marion McKuzins: The aroma of love is in the eyes, um...nose of the beholder. Some people like the smell of meat...others the smell of fish. And yet others...the smell of week-old urine mixed with body odor and vomit. Who are we to judge?
Diane Tolickya: Diane even knows that playing dirty has an extent. Find a new bar with fresh and clean guys... more sanitary.
Zoey Diddim: One man's stench is another's aphrodisiac. Maybe you need to find a cardboard box and give the unfortunate homeless a thrill! Oh, and stop being a snob.
Sassy Squatch: I'm reminded of my old apartment where the smell of "alleyway bum sex" forced me to keep my windows closed all summer long! Don't be a hater! The indigent need love too!
Sue Nami: Like I always say, plug your nose and dive in. Oh, your water is a little shallow I think... Maybe you should wade in.
Molotovia Cocktail: How do you know what homeless smells like? I like a little man scent so go swim in your "Gucci" and leave the real men to get busy with each other.
Winnie Bego: Are you sure they smelled and it wasn’t just you walking into your own funk?
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I had hoped that when she didn't make Vice President that we’d be done with Sarah Palin but now she's in the media even more. What do you girls think of the 2012 Republican Presidential candidate?
Signed, "I can see Russia from my house"
 
Marion:I think you still can't put lipstick on a pig. It's like gold-plating a turd. It looks real purty, but it's still crap.
Diane: I wonder if there's a master plan that if Palin wins, Tina Fey will be paid to do all of her public appearances and speeches…hmm?
Sharon: I think she's an effin crazy back-ass-words backwoods hickalotapuss!  And you know she'll pick that Kate plus 8 as her running mate!  Oh, that rhymed.  Maybe she'll pick me as her speech writer
Zoey: I think she took a page from Bristol’s book and figured that there is no such thing as bad PR. Even if her dancing did suck!
Sue: I think in 10 years it’s going to be her dumb ass on “Dancing With the Stars.”
Sassy: OMG! As the old joke says:"The only difference between Palin’s mouth and her va-jay-jay is that everything that comes out of her mouth is mentally challenged!"
Winnie: Well, I always say that if you don’t have something nice to say about someone, then come sit next to me!
Molotovia:  Send her to Iran and let her prove herself by tracking and catching Osama.
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
Now that the Holidays are over I was wondering if you girls got any gifts that you had to return?
Signed: "Batteries not included"
 
Winnie: Oh everyone knows better than to get me a shitty gift! Just sayin!
Marion: I never return gifts. The hip thing to do is to re-gift. My brother-in-law is having a blast with my vaginal retractor tool.
Diane: I did and let’s just say that unfortunately the double headed dildo and matching nipple clamps were not as sturdy as I thought they were. They broke! Oops.
 Zoey:  I once got a lousy gift so I returned the boyfriend and got a bigger and better model. Seemed like the holiday thing to do!
Sharon: All I know is that my body has been returning that holiday fruitcake!
Molotovia: NEVER return those unwanted misfit toys. Have you never heard of re-gifting??  Although my friends know me so well and have the most exquisite taste I never have to return anyway.
Sassy: One word, EBAY! If someone can make thousands of dollars for a potato chip with the face of Jesus on it, I should be able to turn a trash gift into a trust fund!
Sue: Just the Clap!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I am a gay man currently serving in the military and I am really pissed off about "Don't ask, don't tell"! How do you Sluts feel about?
Signed, "My Lips Are Sealed"
 
Marion:As I answer this, the DADT repeal has passed. All those military parades are about to go from boring to FAAAABULOUS!
Zoey: To each their own. I, personally, am not into water sports! Oh wait, I thought you were asking about getting pissed on!  My bad!
Diane: Aren't you the lucky one? Santa read your list and decided to repeal DADT. This means that for this year you need to be naughty!
Sue: Just don’t tell John McCain and everything will be fine.
Molotovia:  I have to ask if you want me to know what to do to you.
Sharon: Well, my philosophy used to be don't ask cause I don't care about your life story, but as I'm writing this, the senate has voted to repeal it.  So let's hear it for the gays!!!
Sassy: Now that it's been repealed "Night Maneuvers" will take on a totally new meaning! Sign me up!
Winnie: Don’t ask and I won’t tell!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
At a Holiday party last month I heard someone say that the Salmon Mousse smelled like a Queef and everyone laughed. What did they mean?
Signed: "I Like Salmon Mousse"
 
Zoey: Um, I think that is the smell in the bars at 2am when the reality lights come on. The smell is also known as desperation.
Diane: You clueless little gay man, trust me, just be thankful that you don’t know. Next time laugh and nod like you do know!
Sue: Takes me back to 6th grade and still makes me giggle. urbandictionary.com is magical
Sharon: It means it smelt like my pantyhose after performing and sweating my ass off for two hours.
Winnie: What in the hell is a "Queef". Oh wait, is that a gay boi under the age of 21?
Marion: I think you should look up "How to Queef" by spazzmuch on YouTube.com. It's should explain everything. I'm so glad videos aren't in smell-o-rama yet.
Molotovia: Precious Puddin Pie, Think about those times that you are giving it pretty good to the big bottom you just met.  Now when you are done and the two of you are resting and getting ready for the next round. The room gets a bit "WINDY" If you know what I mean! Well Honey Bunny, girls do that from the FRONT and that’s a Queef!
Sassy: Speaking delicately, like the proper lady that I am, that mousse smelled like a twat fart!
 
We hope we’ve been informative and entertaining, but that’s all we have time for.  Check us out at our new home in the February issues of OutFront and keep those questions coming to: askaslut@gmail.com
Website provided by  Vistaprint
Website
provided by Vistaprint