Thank God the Holidays are done! It’s time to settle into 2010!
Start the New Year right with the latest edition of “Ask a Slut” and remember to join us for “Showgirl Bingo” on Friday January 8 at Hamburger Mary’s! Balls drop at 8PM!
Dear Cycle Sluts,
A friend of mine just moved to Denver and is really getting into being the "New meat in Town". The problem is he's attracting some real Slime-Balls, and he doesn't listen to me when I try to warn him! Should I even bother trying to look out for him?
Signed: "Been There, Done That, Still Regret It!"
Sharon MaGoodies: So, what I'm reading in to this is that you're a jealous bitch because he's getting banged by some hottie that turned you down!
Marion McKuzins: Don't worry about it, Darlin. He's like a pair of Manola Blahniks at a drag show. Everyone will want to try them on, but sooner or later they'll stink and be all stretched out. He'll be discarded like yesterday's trick.
Zoey Diddim: How sweet that you want to help him but I bet that as soon as the welcome wagon delivers a few STDs he will learn to put his toys away.
Sassy Squatch:It's great that you're looking out for your friend and all, but when dick is involved they never listen! Remember when you were the new flavor of meatcicle in town? You didn't listen either! That's how you found out these guys are really just walking turds!
Molotovia Cocktail: Dear BTDT, Obviously you've already had all of these slime balls or you wouldn't know how slimy they are. Sounds like somebody is jealous. Let him have his fun Sooner or later his pucker will be a hallway from all those hot dogs and someone newer and tighter will come along. He’ll be hamburger just like you!
Winnie Bego: You should send him off for a weekend getaway in the Winnie Bego, then he wouldn’t be the "New Meat in Town". Btw, how old is he? Hehehehhehehe.
Dear Cycle Sluts,
Over the Holidays I made a big mistake! At my company Christmas party I had a little too much to drink and ended up blowing a coworker in the men’s room. Now he's always hanging around my cubical like he expects it to happen again or something! How should I handle this before it goes too far?
Signed: "Loose Lips Make Slips"
Zoey: What's the harm in a little lunch time protein shake if you both enjoyed it? Just make sure he doesn't expect it every day or his wife might get suspicious.
Sassy: “Before it goes too far”? I think that ship has already sailed, and minus some SEAMENI think! It's time to SWALLOW your pride! Things should BLOWover in a few weeks! It's not like you put your finger up his ass when you blew him, or did you?
Winnie: You gay bois sure can’t contain yourself when there is cock and alcohol around. I say you get what you deserve. Maybe at the next party you should drink some diet coke.
Marion: The only reason I'm hanging around your cubicle, Loose Lips, is because I forgot to mention the herpes and syphilis I gave you for Christmas. Enjoy your New Year, you rude little whore.
Sharon:Oh, its ok gurl! One time at a holiday party I got up on the copier to copy my butt but totally forgot to do some landscaping down there and the photocopy turned out looking like I was sitting on a buckwheat chiapet. Then some bitch took that copy and plastered it all over the office and internet. When you think about it, what's one more blowjob? Just get some DNA on ya this time in case he becomes president!!
Molotovia:Why don’t you ask him to come meet your parents! He will run faster than you can say "Not in my hair".
Dear Cycle Sluts,
My boyfriend spent the Holidays with his family out of town so I kind of pretended I was single while he was gone. Unfortunately, one of my tricks gave me a gift that keeps on giving, if you catch my drift! I'm scared that my boyfriend will figure out what happened or worse that he will catch the little crawlers! How do I keep my exploits and my crabs a secret from him?
Signed: "Re-Gifting is a Bitch"
Marion:I'm not sure how you get RID of a problem such as this. Maybe you should contact my sister, Zoey. She's a great adoptive mother and raises those little critters just beautifully!
Sharon:Lord Bitch, take a fucking shower! How you still have the creepy crawlies is beyond me, since the holidays were weeks ago.
Winnie: Hmmmm, I think this is best suited for Zoey to answer since she is the Queen of Crabs. Zoey, you get this one. And on a side note, you're BF wasn’t with family. He was spending a much needed vacation in the Winnie Bego!
Zoey: The morning after a hot sex session with the BF tell him you think he gave you the little darlings and let him do the explaining. I bet he comes clean about being dirty out of town.
Molotovia: Wash the sheets in HOT water, shave everything BALD and say you are going for the twelve year old boy look.
Sassy: Be creative Pumpkin! Tell him you sat down instead of hovering when you took a dump at one of your friend’s houses! Use the name of the trampyest friend you have! That one always works for me because everybody knows about Zoey and her hygiene issues!
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I've heard and read about simultaneous orgasms with a sex partner being very powerful and satisfying. Whenever I have sex someone always shoots first! How can I time it better so we pop at the same time?
Signed: “Hit me with your best shot”
Winnie: Just say, “Hey dumbass wait till I shoot first this time"
Marion: Sorry, poodle...can't help you with this one. I never have this problem. If they shoot first, I take the next in line. If I shoot first, I do like any man...and roll over and go to sleep!
Zoey: While you are getting plugged take care of yourself. At this point in life you should know how to hold off for just the right moment.
Sharon: Well, usually I'm just trying to pop off so I can get the hell outta there before their wife shows up.
Sassy: If there are six or seven of you involved the odds are more in your favor!
Molotovia: Right before you are going to pop think of your mom naked or something equally as foul. If he can't hold off just keep pumping him till he’s ready for his second cumming and let the fireworks begin.
We hope we’ve been informative and entertaining, but that’s all we have time for. Check us out in the next issue of The Gayzette and keep those questions coming to: www.DenverCycleSluts.org/AskASlut