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Ask-A-Slut
December 2010

Hey there Ho-Ho-Ho’s! The Holidays are here and the best way to celebrate is to come join us for our annual “Alcoholidaze Show” at Hamburger Mary’s Club M! This year we’re serving up our special brand of crazy on two nights, Saturday Dec.4 and again on Friday Dec. 10. The doors will open at 7PM and the shows start at 8PM. See ya there!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
My boyfriend says that our sex life is getting boring and that he wants things to get a little more exotic and kinky in the bedroom! What should I do?
Signed, "Strictly Vanilla"
 
Marion McKuzins: That's simple. Hire a hooker!
Diane Tolickya: Role play. You be a cheap desperate hooker and him the sad, horny, loner who picks you up from a street corner. Head back to a dirty motel and do the nasty in a tub full of lime Jell-O!
Zoey Diddim: What could be more exotic then finding a new boyfriend? Find one that doesn't always need things from you.
Sharon MaGoodies: Two words - anal beads!
Sassy Squatch: Tell him to make up his mind! For exotic sex you use a feather but for kinky sex you need the whole chicken!
Sue Nami: Humor him; I don’t think he plans on tying you to the bedpost and then leaving for Aruba. It might be fun, but you will never know until you slip on the ball gag.
Molotovia Cocktail: Go for a little Chocolate or Cinnamon, An'Twan and Hernando work for me!!!!
Winnie Bego: Well Vanilla wafer boy, how about a weekend in the Winnie Bego? 
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
We've been planning to go on a Gay cruise to Mexico for over a year now but after what recently happened to that Carnival Cruise liner I'm scared to go! Am I being unreasonable?
Signed, "Ship Of Fools"
 
Sassy: OMG, what could possibly be better than being stranded at sea with a ship full of horny gay men? Now that’s a real vacation!
Sharon: Well, that's what they get for booking carnival. I only sail Princess!
Winnie: Not at all! Head on down to PV. That's where Sassy, Marion and I partied hard and took in some of the "local" cuisine if you know what I mean. 
Marion:The only things you have to be scared of are pink tacos.
Diane: Live life on the edge; it's not fun unless something goes wrong. You'll also have a better story to tell once you get back home!
Sue: Pack your steamer trunk full of food and cigarettes. If the worst happens, you can sell it for a ton of cash or trade for a little special time with the Captain. Either way, you win.
Zoey: Yes you are unreasonable. That only happens on straight cruises where the captain WON'T go down on his passengers! Sorry, I meant WITH his ship!
Molotovia:  You stick yourself on a floating coffin and worry about the motor quitting???  Not this Girl!  For me it's Frontier all the way. If I go it will be with a bang!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I'm a guy in my mid twenties, but the guys I'm attracted to are usually over the age of fifty. I'm currently seeing a guy that I really like but his friends are causing problems by telling him I'm just a gold digger! How do I convince them that I'm not interested in him just for his money?
Signed: "Daddy's Boy"
 
Winnie: But ya are Blanche, ya are! I can smell a gold digger a mile away. And honey, YOU STINK! 
Marion: Maybe you should try to convince yourself that he is more interested in your intelligence than your youth. That might be easier.
 Zoey:  Brag about the size of his manhood and you won't look like a gold digger you will look like you are easy. That is such a better reputation to have, ask Sue.
Molotovia: Quit flashing the new Armani and Lauren every time I come over, you Tramp.
Sharon: Maybe if you would actually be seen with him in public they may think differently of you!
 Diane: Quit lying to yourself. You see his face as one of those floating dancing dollar signs. Can anyone say "I'm in denial?"
Sue: I too share your love of the older man. Scoff if you will but 23 doesn’t go into 37, if you get my drift. Don't worry about his friends. Time will tell if you are Anna Nichole or the Genuine Article.
Sassy: Who gives a rat’s ass what they think! Those bitches are just jealous of the new BMW he bought you for your 2 week anniversary!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
Every year I make big New Year’s resolutions to change things in my life for the better but I always end up falling back into the same old bad habits! Do you have any suggestions on how I can keep from disappointing myself in 2011?
Signed, "Fresh Start"
 
Marion:Yeah, I have a suggestion. See a therapist.
Zoey: Pick easier resolutions. Such as; I will only drink clear liquors and not the brown ones. Or; I will only sleep with 3 strangers a week and not 6.
Diane: Make your resolutions easier to accomplish you idiot. In this case, dump the "guy in his mid-twenties" who's using you for your money.
Sue: Do what I do, make a resolution to gain 20 pounds, sleep with as many strangers as possible and drink more. That way, when your friends are lamenting their broken resolutions, you can smugly announce that you have kept every one...and then have another bite of Cheesecake. 
Molotovia:  Hang around with a lower class of people, or at least your own class, you cheap social climber.
Sharon: set your expectations a little lower.  Sometimes you have to buy the generic brand.
Sassy: Instead of New Year’s resolutions try New Year’s reality checks! You’re not getting any younger, time to face the ugly truth!
Winnie: Sure sweetie pie. Stop making the damn resolutions. GEEZ. 
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
It seems like most the younger guys out there these days either have no concept of how to tip when they go out for drinks, or they’re just too cheap to be bothered. A majority of my income is from my tips! Is it too much to ask to be tipped for good service?
Signed: "Not a city in China"
 
Diane: Just how good is your service? I overheard Molly say she's seen bigger & better. No tips for you, sorry. 
Zoey: It depends on what service is being provided and what the charge is. Some corners attract a higher class of johns so the tips are larger, and so are other things! 
Sharon: If you think guys are bad, try making a living off of lesbians!
Winnie: I’ve a tip for ya. Get a better paying job. Gay guys are cheap!  
Marion: It's also never too much to ask for good service while being tipped. 
Sassy: Sweetie, they can’t tip that extra dollar because then they wouldn’t be able to afford their next meth score! Don’t worry; you won’t have to deal with them for much longer!
Molotovia: If you had a bigger package and a better face your G-string would be dripping in fives. Get a Sock and a Life!
Sue: On the flip side, whatever happened to good service? Who do I have to sleep with to get another Sex on the Beach?
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
Over the last couple of years my sex life with my partner has completely stopped. Things used to be great but now he always makes excuses to avoid having sex. Do you think he's cheating?
Signed, "Untouchable"
 
Sharon: I would guess he hasn't manscaped for a while.  I know when I get an unruly bush, I don't like sex.
Marion: When the pond dries up, the fishermen find another spot to sink their pole. Just sayin'. 
Winnie: I told him that I would never kiss and tell. OOPS, guess I let the cat out of the bag. Sorry Sweets. 
Sassy: Did you ever stop to think that your anal warts and yellowish penal discharge might make you slightly less than desirable?
Zoey: He is not cheating, you’ve been had already.
Molotovia: Once and for all I HAVE A HEADACHE, nothing more nothing less. Now I have to go to the.... Umm..... Ahhh..... Supermarket again yeah that's it, the supermarket
Diane: He’s not cheating, just exhausted from listening to your bitching and complaining. Give it a rest already... on second hand a rest sounds good right about now... [Yawn]
Sue: I had the same problem once. I think following him around with a Camera and Binoculars didn't help.
 
We hope we’ve been informative and entertaining, but that’s all we have time for.  Check us out in the next Gayzette and keep those questions coming to: askaslut@gmail.com
 
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