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Ask-A-Slut
August 2010

Greetings Slutty minions! Summer is in full swing now, but the weather isn’t the only thing that’s HOT! Your questions this month got us all hot and bothered! Read on and you’ll see why! Remember to come down to Hamburger Mary’s for Slut Bingo Friday August 13 at 9PM.
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
My boyfriend is so good looking that I find myself getting jealous all the time. Whenever we go out I feel like other guys want him and that he likes it. We fight about it all the time. Am I wrong to feel like this? Signed, “Green Eyed Monster”
 
Sharon MaGoodies: Here we go again, someone always bitchin about the goodies they have.  Show that bitch off gurl.  You can totally use this to your advantage and dress him up like a little boy toy
Marion McKuzins: Never pick the shiniest jewel in the box! They are usually fake and worthless. Stick with a BF that's a bit uglier than you and boost your ego!
Zoey Diddim: Fred! Oh Baby, I did not know you get jealous when we go out! I will try to pay more attention to you. Oh look at HIM!!!
Sassy Squatch: Poodle, don’t be jealous! It ain’t pretty! Who cares where he works up his appetite as long as he comes home for dinner!
Molotovia Cocktail: Number one, I am not THAT good looking. Well maybe I am, but that’s a different column. Oh wait, you're not by boyfriend and this loser shouldn't be either. You are getting jealous because he encourages the other guys to look. Find someone a little lower on the looks scale and then you’ll be the pretty one.
Winnie Bego: Sounds like my ex! Oops did I say that out loud? Just sayin'


Dear Cycle Sluts, I'm an attractive guy and very much a people person. I like to flirt with everyone at the bars, especially the guys who have no chance in hell of hooking up with me. My friends think it's mean but I think I'm just being kind to the less fortunate. What do you think? Signed, “Social Worker”
 
Zoey: Hey, You sound familiar. Didn't I turn you down once or twice?
Sassy: There’s a name for guys like you! Prick-Tease! If you get that kind of rep nobody will touch you no matter how long the pole, then you’ll have to move to a new city just to get laid!
Winnie: Are you kidding me? Do us all a favor and stay home! Maybe take a look at the man in the mirror and give him some pity sex.
Marion: I think you should go to the doctor. I forgot to mention last night that I'm very much a people person too!  I have herpes, syphilis, AND gonorrhea. 
Sharon:  I know what you mean gurl.  I always share my goodies with the less fortunate.  It's all part of my charity work.  You do have to put out with some from time to time.
Molotovia: You should be slapped for the idiotic loss of nookie you are committing. Ugly boys are the best lays. They are grateful for the attention and will do ANYTHING for it. Besides, there will always be prettier boys than you and one day you might be considered the "UGLY ONE"
 
Dear Cycle Sluts, My partner really likes it when I go down on him and to tell the truth I do too. What I don't like is that he almost always pushes me away during the deed and then slaps me in the face with his tool. I keep telling him I don't like it but that just makes him do it more! How can I get him to stop?
Signed, “Cock-Eyed”
 
Marion:Before you do the deed next time, prepare by rubbing a thin layer of Vick's Vapor Rub on your face. That should do it, I would think.
Molotovia: Next time he decides to pull out and play eyeball baseball, clamp down just as the head hits the lips and don't let go. He’ll either learn to stay in, or lose what he has and no one will be playing with it.
Sharon: Oh please, we all know that when you say no you really mean yes!  Shut your damn mouth, well, no, keep your mouth wide open and deal with it.
Zoey: Grab him tightly by the boys so when he pushes they go with you. Either he stops or you can get into kinkier games.
Winnie: Oh my! Have him come over for a weekend in the Winnie Bego for a full weekend of dick slapping. Can I say dick in this column?
Sassy: Girl! If I get slapped, I slap back! Whack his Pee-Pee so hard he has to pull his nuts out of his ass-hole! Fair is fair!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts, I'm very excited about the new 3D TVs that are coming out now. I have a really large porn collection and the thought of watching it in 3D makes me tingle all over. I was wondering if you girls know whether my collection will work with the new TVs or if I'll have to buy all new porn?
Signed: “3D Pee Pee TV?”
 
Winnie: Hmm, ask Molly. She’s queen mother bee of porn.
Molotovia: Precious, I know my porn and the new TV's won't help a lick. The porn has to be in 3D. So my advice to you is take the TV in the boudoir and turn it over on its top, the play porn as usual the bottoms become tops and vicey-versey and you have a brand new collection. 
Marion: Why spend all that money, Darlin? Take a trip to the bathhouse for some original 3D-porn...and save yourself a LOAD (or two).
 Zoey:  The only 3D I like is when the show is live. Then you can taste, touch and smell the cock and ass experience instead of just watching!
Sharon: What the fuck do you think I am, Ultimate Electronics?  Bitch please, like I know about these new TV things.  I still don't even have an IPhone.
Sassy: When I want 3D sex right in my living room I get on Craig’s list! It’s cheap, interactive and insertion doesn’t require a DVD player!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts, I went to Cheesman Park this week for the first time this summer and was shocked to see what the city has done to it. The grass was all torn up and dead and there were concrete sidewalks all through the places where guys used to nude sunbath. There were straight joggers and tons of kids everywhere! Where are the gays supposed to go for cheap casual sex now? Signed, “Park & Ride”
 
Marion:I'm not allowed to give out my address in the column. Call me later, and I'll be sure to treat you cheap and casual. No talking...no names...no breakfast! 
Zoey: Why do you think the Denver Cycle Sluts would know where to go find cheap casual sex? BUT, the new cruising area I have found is on the north end of Bible Park. Can anyone say Tearoom? 
Molotovia:  We have wanted to be a part of everyday life and now is our chance. Why do we need a special park to cruise? Pick any one of the beautiful green areas in this fine city and go trolling for trade. Straight boys feel more at ease in their own territory which allows the blow jobs to be more than satisfactory.  Just stay away from Bible Park. Rumor has it that a nasty troll has been seen lurking in the bushes. ZOEY, for the last time GO HOME!
Sharon: Obviously you haven't heard of Grindr.  Oh wait, neither have I.  I'm the one without an IPhone remember.  
Sassy: Unite & Reclaim, I say! A daily Man orgy on the jungle gyms should be enough to send those breeders packing for the burbs!
Winnie: The Winnie Bego is still open and proudly serving the community at "large", come join in the festivities.
 
We hope we’ve been informative and entertaining, but that’s all we have time for.  Check us out in the next issue of The Gayzette and keep those questions coming to: www.DenverCycleSluts.org/AskASlut
 
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