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Ask-A-Slut
April 2010

Spring has finally sprung and we’ve got a fresh bouquet of questions & answers for you here in “Ask a Slut”! For more slutty fun be sure to join us for “April Showers Bingo” April 9 at Hamburger Mary’s, Club M. Doors open at 7pm and our Balls drop at 9pm! You can also check us out on our new website at www.denvercyclesluts.net.
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I saw an ad campaign from Brazil that tells everyone to conserve water by peeing in the shower. Do you girls think this is a good idea? Signed, “Dwayne D Tubs”
 
Sharon MaGoodies: Totally!  It kills athlete’s foot too!! 
Marion McKuzins: I think it's a golden idea! At least until they start telling us to poo in the sink!
Zoey Diddim: At home-yes. At the bathhouse, only if the other guys are into getting peed on.
Winnie Bego: Oh no darling I don't. I’m a lady and always sit on the toilet. I’m sure one of the girls pee's standing up. I won’t mention any names (Zoey).
Molotovia Cocktail: That depends on with whom you shower. If he likes his suds to smell like asparagus then go ahead and whiz away.
Sassy Squatch: The whole idea is pretty silly to me! I can’t flush a shower!


Dear Cycle Sluts,
At the bar I hang out at there are ugly gross old guys that always leave with young hotties. I'm much better looking! Why do they score more? Signed: “Slightly Shocked”
 
Zoey: I would guess it’s because you smell like desperation, which is not the name of a new cologne.
Marion: Because they're young, hung, and full-of-cum. And probably broke and need to make a quick buck.
Sharon: They pay for that shit, duh!
Molotovia: Probably because they are more realistic and not as stuck on themselves. Since you know you are so much better looking, then why do you care if everyone else has a date? Go home with yourself and you'll never be disappointed.
Winnie: That's easy! Cause my ex is a whore! There I said it!
Sassy: Sweetie, in situations like those what makes you really attractive is the size of your wallet or how reasonable your hourly rates are! Good looks are just frosting on the Twinkie!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
Are water sports safe and sanitary?
Signed: “Head above Water”
 
Marion:I don't think so! Have you ever seen a Cycle Slut on a jet-ski? TOTALLY unsafe. And most likely unsanitary.
Sharon: Most water sports are safe in my opinion; I always wear a life jacket when I’m on the Jet Ski or on a sunset tea dance cruise.  I’d have to say no to sanitary considering all those fish that pee in the water; it's like one big toilet!
Winnie: Oh yuk! This is left for the Pro. Zoey, it’s all yours.
Zoey: Yes, as long as nobody pees in the pool and there’s a hunky lifeguard on duty. 
Molotovia:  As long as you don't pee in other peoples eye's you should be good (It smudges my mascara) as for sanitary?  The only sanitary things in this world are bleach and napkins!
Sassy: It should be both! Just follow these rules; Keep your eyes and mouth closed and don’t stand up in the sling!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I'm a young girl who is very curious about sex but I don't want to become another teen pregnancy statistic. What is the safest contraceptive? Signed: “Better Safe than Sorry”
 
Marion: This one is easy. Your finger.
 Zoey:  Join the tribe, girl! Discover your inner lesbian. You get a free toaster oven.
Sharon: The pull out method has worked wonders for me.  Of course you could use the spit or swallow method too.
Sassy: Even abstinence is only 99.9% effective! Just look what happened to Mary back in Bethlehem!
Molotovia: Cross your legs and wait until you are no longer a teen. Believe me dear there is plenty of time to be a tramp. Why I was a virgin until I was 21. I've made up a lot for lost time.
Winnie: You should sew that nasty thing up!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I was checking out a hot guy’s profile online when I read something I didn't understand. What does it mean "I'm into brown"? Signed: “Favorite Color?”
 
Marion: I have no idea. Ask Zoey though! She'll know!
Sharon: I think it means they are into UPS drivers?  You know, “What can brown do for you?”
Winnie: I guess he likes the Hispanic bois. Or he’s into poop!
Zoey: I think that means the guy's UPS driver is as hot and hung as a porn star.
Sassy: It means he likes to maintain his good looks with lots of “Mud Packs!” P.S. “Scat” doesn’t refer to music either!
Molotovia: It means He’s not into you, He's into Poo!
 
Dear Cycle Sluts,
The salon I go to offers something called Va-gazzling. They shave you "down there" and then glue on rhinestones around your Who-Ha to make it pretty! I'm thinking of doing it! What do you think? Signed, "Pretty On Pink"
 
Sharon: Save the trouble and just go to Wal-Mart and pick up some glitter glue.  You won't have to worry about shaving and you'll still have a glittered clit! 
Marion: I think it's Va-Fabulous! I had mine done with red rhinestones. Of course, it looks a bit like the run way at DIA, but I'm sure someone will cum in for a landing!
Winnie: Oh Gurl! That's a weekly outing for me. But I get my one eyed winky hole bedazzled! It's Fab-U-Lus.
Sassy: Absolutely not! Talk about ingrown hairs! How are you ever going to loofah that mess?
Zoey: That is a great way to advertise that you are easy. Have them glue the words "enter here" down there.
Molotovia: I go to that salon. You know if you check out the "Idea Book" at the front desk the hot pink "Kilroy was here" on page 34 is Mine. And that is not his nose (nudge nudge, wink, wink)
 
We hope we’ve been informative and entertaining, but that’s all we have time for.  Check us out in the next Gayzette and submit your questions for us to: askaslut@gmail.com
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